Thursday, January 24, 2013

THERAPY...TO GO, OR NOT TO GO?

After another day of therapy, we are highly considering calling it quits.  I know, I know...you're thinking, "No, that's a bad idea."  As much as we like the therapist, our sessions have come to a point where they seem to us as nothing but a waste of time.  We go in there as a family, and come out divided from R.  Our little ones thoroughly enjoy themselves while there, completely focused on playing with the toys.  The therapist has commented quite a few times on how impressed she is with their behavior, referring to how well they play with her toys, not breaking anything, and how well they put everything back before we leave.  But R is not responding well and taking nothing away from these sessions, which leaves my husband and me walking away angry and frustrated with him.

The purpose of this particular therapist, is to assist families in crises by teaching family members needed skills to stabilize the home environment, such as improving parenting skills/behavior management. She also deals with a variety of issues within the child/adolescent population including ADHD, anxiety, anger, depression, self-esteem, and other issues related to abuse/neglect.  Thus far, I don't feel like any of these subjects have been addressed.  In the beginning of therapy, we did receive some good feedback and ideas from her, which my husband and I have tried very hard to implement.  We have been doing our part, but R fights against doing his part, not all of the time, but often.


After a terrible session last week, of R not speaking until the last 10 minutes, and pouting the entire time, we expected and he promised, that this time would be better.  We went in there fine, but within the first 10 minutes, the pouting, the mumbling, and the disrespect began.  I told him, "I think you have yours and Miss Emily's relationship a little confused.  She is an adult, a grown-up, and you are not allowed to disrespect her."  After saying that, I had to take one of the little munchkins to potty, but while I was gone my husband was able to get R to apologize to her, as much as he fought against it.  He wouldn't dare speak to us the way he spoke to her, and we nipped that in the bud immediately.  As the session began to wind down, and R has still said next to nothing at this point, Emily asked him, "How would you like it if we all played a game together next time?" His response, "And them two?", pointing to his little brother and little sister.  She said, "Well yes."  Without a second thought, R says, "Not with them.  I won't play if they play."  This conversation went on and on, going nowhere.  It makes my blood boil when I hear how much he despises spending time with his siblings.  So I asked him, "When you made the decision that you wanted to come live with us, was having a brother and sister one of the reasons why?"  He said no.  I then asked him why he wants us to so badly have another baby, when he doesn't like having siblings.  His answer, "Because a baby doesn't do anything."  Yes, you can imagine our response...it's the one you're having right now.

Now, another day of checking R out of school early for therapy, has proved to be for nothing.  On our drive home, we expressed to him how therapy is proving to be pointless and how he's wasting every one's time, when he goes in there, pouts, and won't talk to anyone.  I asked him how he felt about it.  He said, "I want to go."  I asked him to give me one reason why he wants to go.  He couldn't do it.  I expected him to say something along the lines of 'playing with the toys', but instead, nothing, no reason.


I hope with time, this sibling problem we're going through will improve, but I also realize it may never improve.  It will be completely up to R.  A friend asked me yesterday, "We have thought about adoption.  What's your opinion?"  I think she fully expected me to scream, "DON'T DO IT!"  In fact, I recommend just the opposite.  Adoption is an amazing thing that I absolutely recommend, but with a few guidelines.  If you don't have any children of your own already, then any age child would be great.  If you have children of your own, then you should take into consideration their ages with the adopted child's age.  We weren't able to do this, but if able, I recommend adopting a child at your oldest child's age, or younger.  And know that no matter how young an adopted child is, there will still, more likely than not, be some problem that will pop up from his/her genes.  But who better to guide them and help them, then someone able?!

2 comments:

  1. just my opinion, but therapy takes a lot of time, and I'm sure for R it will take even longer to open up. I know you've already tried it, but it seems like maybe he would open up without you guys around. Or have you tried it with just R and M? Or maybe you need a different therapist - not that it is that particular therapist's fault, but maybe R would respond differently to someone else.

    I wouldn't give up, because it is either what R wants, which is why he's behaving that way, or he wants to go but doesn't know how to open up. hang in there!

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  2. Thank you, Chandra! I absolutely agree with you. I do think it might be time to change therapists, because of the way he views his relationship with her. He thinks he's the one in charge and can walk all over her and get what he wants from her. I know the perfect therapist for him to see and I'm going to call her office tomorrow and check into it. Men scare him, so I know talking to a man would not be a good idea. But he needs a woman who doesn't baby him and makes their time together structured.

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